Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
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Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Maths meets science
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.