[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
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Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.