Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
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Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
You had me at “define legal”.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?