Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
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[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
This bar smells like my childhood.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.