I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
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Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
This is my pinned tweet
Mission: Impossible
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.