What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
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One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu