My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
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a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.