That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
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Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep