Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 馃槣
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[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I鈥檓 just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain鈥檛 need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma鈥檃m
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
If you need a smile today, here鈥檚 a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 馃槀鉂わ笍
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven鈥檛 caught me yet.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I鈥檓 9. I鈥檓 going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I鈥檓 just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
How Vaccines Work 馃Й馃К馃馃拤 (everyone needs to watch this)
when i donate my body to science, they鈥檒l be like ok do we have any other options?