[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
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welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.