I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
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Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel