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Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Well, this is awkward
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher