Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
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My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!