A dating app for angry people- Grumble
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me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water