Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
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boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
#oldknees
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.