I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
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Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Anyone really
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.