My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
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‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out