Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
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Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.