doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
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When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*