if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
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Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Spotted in New Orleans.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will