Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
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so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard