{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
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me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
In case you needed to hear it:
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
a lot to unpack here
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”