Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
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Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss