Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
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Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.