What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
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I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Social distancing in Australia:
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO