When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
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When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.