How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
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judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer