[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
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I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Yep.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.