I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
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Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
he chose this
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now