I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
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Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.