My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
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My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
I know karate and tons of other words.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny