I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
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me working on my assignments ^-^
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
*sewing*
A thread
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.