What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
You Might Also Like
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
I’M CRYINGGG
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
A leaf blower, but for people.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.