if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
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I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.