Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
You Might Also Like
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
it was a valiant fight
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
🤣😈🤣
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings