OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
You Might Also Like
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
this is literally a CIA plant
Not recommended for beginners.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?