Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
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do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.