Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
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There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together