Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
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[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Breaking news:
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.