women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
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I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Just how popey was the pope today?
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Free him
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.