Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
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Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.