this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
You Might Also Like
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
FINE, I WON’T.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am