life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
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I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?