[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
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10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.