I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
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I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
[at the general store]
me: one general please
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.