Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
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for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.