I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
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I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
❤️🦆
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes