me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
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6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Happy Thanksgiving
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN