I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
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“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Customer is always right
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min