Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
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When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
goldfish mafia
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.